Posted by: martinworster | April 4, 2008


It’s that dreadful time of year again, The Big Day for American Football – Superbowl Sunday. I hate American football. It bothers me that’s it’s even called American football – all the touching of the ball is done with hands. And besides which proper football – ‘soccer’ – was invented eons before the American version, and the rest of the world calls it football.

American football is like a cross between rugby and chess. As a spectator sport I can’t get my head around it, all the stopping and starting, it just doesn’t have the poetry and back to back flow of proper football. Admittedly I don’t understand the rules. I don’t want to understand the rules. I’ve been in bars when a games been on and people get worked up about a guy catching the ball or being tackled. I just don’t get it.

I also consider it rugby for wimps. Now rugby is a proper sport for proper men. American footballers look like Storm Troopers with all that battle protection. Beefy tough guys in helmets and shoulder pads big enough to put the cast of Dynasty to shame.

In many ways American football represents everything that is wrong with American culture. Crass commercialisation to the detriment of everything else. Quite often a football team will be bought by someone and then will subsequently move to another city for commercial explotation. So for example the LA Raiders I believe used to be in St Louis. There are lots of examples of this. It would be like Manchester United moving to London. What do the supportes make of this? In Britain (and most of the rest of the world) football is so localised and teritorrial that for a team to move to another city would be unheard of. It wouldn’t happen.

American football is split up into four quarters – so there can be commercials in between on TV. No 45 minutes of pure sport like ‘soccer’. And then no Superbowl Sunday it seems like the commercials are more talked about than the game itself. It’s the most expensive segment for adverts. And the tradition also sees a big music act playing in the break. Prince did it last year. A few years ago Janet Jackson appeared – as did her left tit. Much to the shock of the nation. A nation who are the biggest producers and consumers of hardcore pornography get in a flap about breasts. That seems like double standards with a smigen of moral hypocrisy thrown in for good measure. They need to get themselves on the Cannes beach in July for an eyeful of healthy tit.

Then there’s the whole cheerleader ritual – a sexist parading of scantily clad women to be oggled by the fans until it’s time for the real men to do their gladitorial thing on the pitch. A bit of fleshy eye candy before the game starts. Lots of juicy tit on display but it’s okay as it’s vaguely covered up by dental floss bikini tops.

Shall I go on? Okay, I’ll stop. Soccer is a game of two halves. American football is a game of four halves. For half pints.



  1. THANK YOU! As an American, I have always hated the Superbowl. It represents, as you stated, everything wrong with our culture. Great article, and I certainly couldn’t have said it better myself!

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